Nonviolent Communication

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Nonviolent Communication

  • Viewing communication not as a competition but as a collaboration
  • Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
  • Taught using scripts
  • Active listening
  • Observe/ Feel / Need / Request
  • The script is just a teaching tool rather than the words you use
  • Emotions are a response to thoughts
  • Separating thoughts and emotions
  • Make a request, accepting that the answer may be no
  • You can do it without the scripts
  • If people have limited cognitive empathy, can be a hard method to use

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

  • With self
  • What am I feeling?
  • Identify thoughts behind that feeling
  • Try to modulate the feeling by adding cognitively balancing thoughts
  • Recognize that you may be leaving out important information; Fill out your emotional spectrum and balance it out
  • You might have a fixation on one emotion; Often when we think that our thoughts are causing something; They are actually a rationalization after the fact. "I might just be angry because chemicals." We act differently based on the emotions we have. Be mindful of the emotions for what we do next.
  • We store emotional energy in our body.

John Gottam's Love Lab

  • Record newlywed couples in apartment
  • Predict over 90% accuracy whether a newly wed couple would be together 5 years later

4 horseman of the apocalypse : damage marriage


attacking someone's character complaint OK, but avoid "who you are because what you done"


Hear the other person fully, before going back into any defenses/responses


Shutting down and not responding to the other person, denying person humanity and relevant


Outwardly expressing disapproval of who someone is

What worked

  • Did make complaints often, but
  • More often they would compliment each other
  • Talk about when they were happy
  • Maintaining healthy baseline
  • When complaints happen, body language turn toward them, rather than away

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