Nonviolent Communication
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Nonviolent Communication
- Viewing communication not as a competition but as a collaboration
- Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
- Taught using scripts
- Active listening
- Observe/ Feel / Need / Request
- The script is just a teaching tool rather than the words you use
- Emotions are a response to thoughts
- Separating thoughts and emotions
- Make a request, accepting that the answer may be no
- You can do it without the scripts
- If people have limited cognitive empathy, can be a hard method to use
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
- With self
- What am I feeling?
- Identify thoughts behind that feeling
- Try to modulate the feeling by adding cognitively balancing thoughts
- Recognize that you may be leaving out important information; Fill out your emotional spectrum and balance it out
- You might have a fixation on one emotion; Often when we think that our thoughts are causing something; They are actually a rationalization after the fact. "I might just be angry because chemicals." We act differently based on the emotions we have. Be mindful of the emotions for what we do next.
- We store emotional energy in our body.
John Gottam's Love Lab
- Record newlywed couples in apartment
- Predict over 90% accuracy whether a newly wed couple would be together 5 years later
4 horseman of the apocalypse : damage marriage
Criticism
attacking someone's character complaint OK, but avoid "who you are because what you done"
Defensiveness
Hear the other person fully, before going back into any defenses/responses
Stonewalling
Shutting down and not responding to the other person, denying person humanity and relevant
Contempt
Outwardly expressing disapproval of who someone is
What worked
- Did make complaints often, but
- More often they would compliment each other
- Talk about when they were happy
- Maintaining healthy baseline
- When complaints happen, body language turn toward them, rather than away
Discussion
How do we have the full ability to do this online?
- Am I using word that's more judgemental? or collaborative?
Model of emotion - group therapy developed for activists
- questioned wither he could treat emotional problems activists were having, can you separate it from the social ills?
- at a micro level, can the group actively cultivate something vs. trying to solve the social thing around it
- body of emotions; repeated emotions have an effect on our body; must work with the body to work with emotional stuff because they are part of the body
- Stick with the "what" and "how", rather than analyzing in real time
what happens when "the introduction of feelings breaks all the things"
- Tone is really important, striving for a better tone can be really beneficial
- when tone becomes a method of invalidated
- tremendous tool for destruction
- tone is not an excuse for invalidation, but a tool of invalidation
- it can be a tool for building relationships, connection
- Neurodiversity introduces the need to build more specific mental models of who you're interacting with and the state they're in when you're interacting with them
- NVC can be difficult between, for example, aspies and non-aspies, if the non-aspie expects the aspie to behave neurotypically
- Ozy Frantz writes about this sort of thing from the perspective of BPD; their blog is at https://thingofthings.wordpress.com/
- https://thingofthings.wordpress.com/2015/01/20/an-introduction-to-neurodiversity/
- https://thingofthings.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/on-medicalizing-mental-variation/
- https://thingofthings.wordpress.com/2015/01/08/what-its-like-having-borderline-personality-disorder/
- https://thingofthings.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/mental-health-awfulness-in-the-wake-of-the-newtown-shooting/
Refer to session notes Nonviolent Communication for Nueroatypical